The society we live in, the one we thought have been develop are in fact have decreasing it's essence. From century ago, this society has a strict rule among men and women. A role we must play, whether we like it or not. because when we abandoned those rule it will come with confusion. off course there must be not limitation of a woman to learn things, but as long as a woman have a freedom on education there come with the price that man should try twice harder in gaining their education. this way, our society can grow and develop into a better society.  Recently I've been awarded myself by achieving the bucket list I delayed so many years. It didn't come without any obstacle. After decided that I want to keep learning new things and develop myself in education and research in 2017, there are so many obstacle both from external and internal. I find myself struggling to take an action toward my decision. 5 years later I finally moving forward and take a step towards my goals....

Dulu, dalam menyelesaikan masalah aku selalu butuh yang namanya closure, kaya semacam penutupan gitu. Aku pikir dengan closure kita bisa kaya pencet tombol restart terus semua akan baik-baik aja lagi kaya sebelumnya. Naif sekali bukan. Jelas sebuah luka akan selalu meninggalkan bekas.  sekarang, aku sadar kalau closure yang aku butuhkan bukan untuk menyelesaikan semua masalah. Bukan pula untuk berpisah secara baik-baik. Ibaratnya kalau rasa paria itu pahit, mau di kasih bumbu masakan apapun, bahkan sampai ditabur gula yang banyak atau di jadiin manisan, ya yang namanya paria tetap akan pahit rasanya. Dan yang namanya perpisahan, mau dibikin semewah atau semegah apapun tetap akan menyakitkan dan menyedihkan. Mungkin memang dulu aku naif, pinginnya semua hal itu indah dan menyenangkan, sampai aku lupa bahwa ada beberapa hal di dunia ini yang memang rasanya pahit, gak enak, dan menyakitkan. Dan closure buat aku sekarang adalah berdamai dengan semua perasaan tidak nyaman itu.  Kad...

Angin berhembus, Ombak menerjang karang Aku berdiri di atas tebing karang.  Awan nampak sangat indah hari itu. kunikmati kebersamaan kita saat itu.  Pantai, Indah bukan, Tapi tidak semua orang menyukai pantai.  karena saat aku berjalan di atas pasir nya, berdiri di atas tebing karang,  aku menyadari semua tak sama.  Aku menyerah pada mimpi hidup di pesisir,  atau menyepi di pegunungan. Aku yang sekarang,  lebih suka hidup dalam hiruk pikuk perkotaan.  Terhanyut dalam segala rutinitas yang sebelumnya tak pernah ada.  Aku menyerah pada ekspetasi yang tak kunjung usai atau pada mimpi yang tak lagi logis untuk kugapai.  Aku yang sekarang, bersyukur dengan hidup yang ada, mengambil setiap kesempatan yang ada, menjalani setiap detik kehidupan dengan berpegang teguh pada yang Satu.  dan berusaha menjaga apa yang kumiliki kini tanpa memaksa.

Dad the world with or without you maybe still the same world.  Allah with you or without you still the same and only God.  But me.. My world, without you is upside down.  Nothing can change that. And I am sorry I still can't be perfect girl for you.  But I am ready to change and grow. And I am finally proud to say that I have the strongest women by my side.  I finally can say that even the world turn upside down, I still can be strong because I have a strong mom by side. That's enough for now. 

When it comes to new year,  It will also comes with many new question But most importantly is what you want to spend your next year with.  It is very important question because death is certain but life is a choice. So, what kind of life you want to live.  Because the life you live is the most valuable investment you make for yourself. And have you done enough? Or you're just playing a game all along and getting drowned in a useless and meaningless lifestyle that you'll eventually regret.  It doesn't matter how you spend your new years eve. It doesn't matter who you kissed when the clock ring 00.00 on new years eve.  What Matters is how you'll gonna spend the next 24 hours in the next 365 days.  Because eventually if you can waste one night then you can also waste a lot of nights that's coming.

When my father and four other of my family member died during covid-19, I feel the emptiness and an overwhelming feeling that I am sure nobody could understand that except they're ever experienced it.  Let me explain those feeling that surrounds me for these past few months.  First, of course the grief and sadness that come everytime I miss them. Second, the loneliness and afraid that everyone will eventually leave me behind. Third, feeling unwanted and overwhelming by society until sometimes I just want to be alone or leave everything behind. Fourth, couldn't able to move on until all I wanted is just go back. And I end up looking in people in my past time, forget that there are a lot of new people coming to love me and accept all the pieces cracked of my soul.  Sometimes in very broken soul, everything seems confused. All we searching is just an answer for every question or a drug to heal the pain. But actually there are an answer and a drug for every pain, confusion, f...

Rapuh, Sepi sendiri. Lemah, aku hilang arah.  Tak ingin membuka hati. Namun kutakut sepi. Kuhanya tak ingin ditinggal lagi. Menyakitkan dan sepi. Hampa sendiri Berusaha kuat Menangis di malam hari